Time flies....

Wow,  I expected to get back to this well before now.  Life has been shall we say interesting the last week or so.  Way too much drama from people that must live for it, but to me it just makes it harder to manage.  Maybe that is the issue with so many people and depression....  So many people out there live for drama in their lives that if it isn't happening right now, then they must create it.  For the rest of us it just gets depressing to be around them, but try and get away....  Anyway,  for today the drama is over, I am sure it will start up again very soon, but I am avoiding that group of people for the moment.

Otherwise it has been mostly business as usual.  I am feel a bit better but part of the swings I guess.  When things get really bad I try to remind myself that it will get better.  It usually helps.  I am a bit afraid when that doesn't help or when the better doesn't come in at least a week.  But that is not worth discussing tonight.

I started this mainly just for me to journal in.  So I will probably refer to things in my life an outsider will have no idea about.  If anyone ever does find this blog and want to know about it, just ask I am willing to share.  Otherwise, unless I feel like telling more of my story I will just refer to things and move on.  If I do ever get a follower or two I may change that line of thinking, but until then...

So my niece had a baby shower this weekend.  She is have a boy which is great for them, they will be awesome parents I know.  I actually got up the courage (it was more like I needed to I think) go through the last box of Marcus' things.  I gave her a few of the clothes and hats I loved on him, but didn't have that strong of a meaning, as well as several book, picture frames, and a rattle.  It was very odd to go through them, but strangely freeing to hand them over.  I guess it was more like what we would normally do with baby things that were out grown or not used.  It has brought my boy to my thoughts way more than usual though.  I am doing pretty good with it.  It is definitely a sign of healing.  She told me at the shower her son's middle name is going to be Alexander just like Marcus' is.  Even though there were several reasons for them to choose that name I am honored that Marcus was one of the reasons.  I was surprised at how touched I was.  Healing is a good thing I guess....

So, I think I need to start getting some of this out, and in an internet world what better way.... I am not even sure why I want to do this or really what I want to say, but maybe it will help. Help what you ask? I have depression. Yea, like millions of others out there I struggle with it. Some days it is good, some days I can barely function. Since this weekend was the latter maybe it is time to try something new. Oh, and did I mention I also suffer chronic pain. The depression came first and while the pain may make the bad days worse, it was not the cause of it. I am also not one to drone on about being in pain either, but it is a part of who I am and I thought I should mention it. Also, I am a wife of 18 years to a wonderful man, have 2 healthy children that I get to stay at home with. Like most people I have had some bad times, horrible times and great times. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful for it, but that doesn't stop the depression.

I have gotten that a lot over the years, most depressed people do I think, I am just touch about it. Those that have never suffered chronic depression don't understand it. Hey, being in the middle of it I still have trouble understanding it. But the one thing I hate the most when I am down is those people out there who think they can help with the famous "think of all you have to be grateful for" line. It's not that simple. We do not choose to be depressed (who would choose this!), I have been told it has to do with the chemical balance in my brain. My life if pretty good by all standards, good husband, beautiful kids, we own our home (well the bank does, but it is worth way more than the loan which is hard to say these days), we are doing OK financially (another hard to believe these days). I have even been blessed to be able to stay at home with the kids for the last several years. I remember all of this, it just doesn't make it easier to see through the gloom some days.

This last week has been one of those weeks. I go through the motions, manage to get the minimal amount done, but can't seem to get myself rallied at all. I am just existing. Surviving as I like to put it. I can't tell you want started things this time around, usually there really isn't anything, but it is bad. Yes, THOSE thoughts pass through my head, but there never make it too far. My family is a large part of that. I mostly withdraw from everything. I think I could sit in my chair and stare out the windows for hours if I had the option. I sleep or nap a lot too, though not because I am tired (which I am sometimes), but because I can't get myself to do anything else. With two kids and a hubby, my house can get small sometimes. If I want to be alone, my room is usually the only spot and that often leads to naps. Plus if I am napping then the kids might actually leave me alone for a bit and go to their dad for some things. Doesn't always work without them being told to go to daddy but sometimes.

We are back to why the blog I guess. I have a hard time talking about my depression with friends or family. Since there are so my psychologists and such out there I am sure I am not the only one. But since affording one of those fine professionals is not anywhere in my near future I thought I would try this. Maybe just getting it out into the world will help. In today's busy and wide spread world, I don't get to see my close friends as much as I would like to, and even I know that bringing up depressions and such is not a great way to score new friends. As for family, sometimes I talk to them but my husband is one of those chronic happy people and just doesn't understand it, the kids are way to young and my parents and brother are farther away than the friends mentioned earlier. So while, yes, I do call up mom sometimes to talk, she doesn't suffer either and it is hard for her to understand. Plus though she has come a long way, she still thinks I am 16 at heart (way up from 10 or so a few years back :) ) and sometime that leads to saying things that just hurt when you are calling for support. So I am back to this blog. But for tonight I am done. It is late and I really am getting tired. Pity since the house is finally quite and I can be alone in most areas of it....